Which Great Ancient Are You?

Developed by: The Bored Statiustician.

Are you the Godlike Socrates? Would you burn Rome and eat small children? How about living in a wine jar? Would you even make it alive out of the 1st century A.D.? Find out here...

Question 1: On a typical week you:

	Get beaten up a few times for soliciting in the marketplace
	Write a few poems, dance with a torch, sacrifice some
	Get your clothes touched by lepers a lot
	Eat some, talk some, fuck some. Tell Aristippus to learn to eat lentils and shut up already.
	Assault some young Romans with your gang in dark alleys, drink a cup of blood, get worshipped some

Question 2: During a truly exceptional week, you:

	Drink hemlock.
	Tell Alexander the Great to sod off and bite him when he tries to pat you.
	Burrrrn Rrrrrome! I'd do it more often, though.
	Sleep in some garden.
	Win jars of olive oil, laurel wreaths and some money. Oh, you said "exceptional" week?

Question 3: Your recreation involves:

	Talking.
	Choir boys.
	Attending weddings.
	Petronius.
	I don't do recreation.

Question 4: Your favourite person in history is:

	Aeschylus.
	Mommy! Mommy!
	Alcibiades, the naughty little bastard.
	Mommy.
	Sod off.

Question 5: You are:

	I don't know.
	A Greek!
	You're a filthy cur, too.
	A God!
	I really can't tell you.

Question 6: What is the ultimate meaning of life?

	Art! Art! Art! (Whimper).
	You are not yet ready to know it. Come and hear the next sermon.
	Sod the fuck OFF!
	Self-control.
	Beauty and piety. Wine is good, too.

Question 7: What's your place in the movies?

	Pasolini hurt my feelings.
	I'm overused.
	Peter Ustinov is ugly! (Cry).
	Rossellini made one about me, why, yes.
	Rrrrrrrrr... Rrrrrrrr... Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... (Go for the jugular in an impressive leap).

Question 8: What do you look like?

	If I must tell you, I have been selected to dance at festivals for my exceptionally fine looks.
	Rather like a satyr, or a fancy little box, or a stingray.
	I am a work of art! (Though admittedly, I have a very thick neck).
	I'm kind of shaggy. Want to shag?
	You don't get to find out until the Middle Ages, really.

Question 9: Just how great are you, anyway?

	I am the Greatest.
	Fuck that.
	I can't begin to tell you how great I am.
	Greater than you are.
	Quite, quite.

Question 10: Are you finding this test a little long?

	I wasn't listening.
	We have all the time in the world.
	Yes, in fact, I've still got things to rehearse.
	No time is too long for the knowledge of thyself.
	No! Keep asking about Me, Me, Me!

Question 11: Men or Women?

	Women.
	There's a musical about that.
	Noble youths. We can intellectually masturbate together.
	Choir boys and chastity.
	Oh, everything.

Question 12: Do people like you?

	They like me, but the gods are jealous.
	They love me. Don't they? Guards!
	No, but they are stupid.
	I don't like people.
	Some of them. I love them all, though.

Question 13: Do you like kings?

	I am one! (Oops).
	I rape the children of Asian kings.
	No, they smell bad.
	No, not at all.
	No, I am a servant of the Democracy.

Question 14: Got a biographer?

	Yes, I've got four.
	Diogenes Laertius can suck my...
	Have I got a biographer? I own every biographer on the three continents! Suetonius is a blackguard.
	Fragmentarily. There are of course the Lives of the Poets.
	Oh yes. At least two.

Question 15: What are you wearing?

	Purple and gold.
	I can't remember.
	A white tunic and a wreath. Oh, sandals, too.
	Flowing robes.
	Nothing, it's warm in here.

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