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What is Your Car of Destiny?
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Answer these questions honestly, and we shall find out what your destiny car is!
What type of car body turns you on?
Round and bubbly.
Sleek and sporty.
Rough and boxy.
Your ideal bumper sticker would be...
Guns Don't Kill People, I Do.
Vote for (Insert the name of some mindless political goat)
Greenpeace! (Picture of the Earth)
Your decorations in your car would include...
Just a car freshener that smells like the anal cavity of a ferret.
So much stuff dangling from the rearview mirror, it's a wonder you can even see out the windshield.
A bobblehead toy on the dash, a plastic hula girl, or fuzzy dice.
Your favorite color for your car would be...
Something so flashy it melts the eyes of innocent onlookers, and your insurance bill, in turn, melts your own eyes.
Red, blue, green, it doesn't matter. As long as it doesn't clash with my hair.
The nondescript color of bile, or camouflage, or so rust-pocked you can't even tell what the color's supposed to be.
Your ideal seats would be made of...
Doesn't matter, with your activities, the seats end up held together with Duct Tape anyway.
Supple leather, sexy.
Something that doesn't stain.
What engine sound sends a pleasurable shiver up your spine?
A deafening roar that'd send a Kodiak bear running for the hills, angers your neighbors, and just all around shakes the pavement.
A sexy, grumbly purr.
Whatever, as long as it's not clanking or whining.
What height do you prefer your car?
I need a grappling hook just to climb inside, and I often have to scrape clouds off my windshield.
I like it so low to the ground, my fenders swipe ants into ugly stains on the pavement.
Just as long as it's easy for people to get in and out.
How much storage space do you need in your car?
If I can fit a six-pack, come-along, shovel, chain, straps, hooks, 2x4s, winch cable, spot light, gas tanks, spare tire and a jack inside, I'm good to go!
Not much. Just enough for my stroke-inducing sound system and a toothpick.
Tons! I haul around everything including the kitchen sink!
What do you think you'd most likely hear in your car-of-destiny from other drivers?
"Lord have mercy on our souls! It's Satan himself!"
"You cut me off! Choose a lane, jerk!"
What kind of exhaust system would you have?
Something with enough tubes to rival a cathedral pipe organ, with flames spewing forth.
Something much like a sewer pipe, with occasional explosions.
Something clean, that actually emits particles that are somehow beneficial to the environment.
After two weeks without a wash, what would your car look like?
Dirt is not worthy to touch my car!
Like a tiny moving island. Globs of dirt, mud, rocks the size of melons, and tufts of grass, the flattened corpus of an animal or two wrapped around the bumper...but that's the way I like it!
Like a dust-devil on wheels, with little fingerprints all over it and "Wash Me" written on the dusty window.
And what about the interior?
Like the floor of Chuck E. Cheese's after two weeks with no cleaning.
As I spend most my waking hours polishing the entire car with an oiled diaper, dirt doesn't get inside.
Like the "Welcome" mat outside the Swamp Thing's house.
How would you park your destiny car?
I'd park on top of that Honda Element over there...
I take up two handicap spaces, even though I'm not clinically handicap.
The further away from other cars the better! They might soil it just by being too close, the filthy peasants!
How would you best describe your car-washing methods?
Spray it with the hose for 2 hours, or pay five bucks for an automatic car wash...either way, the dirt never comes off.
First go over it with the best washing soap on the market with a silk rag, rinse, go over it again with an extra soft toothbrush in all the little nooks, rinse. Dry with another silk rag. Wax till I can't bend my fingers, stand back and gaze at my work...and do it all over again.
Wash...my car? Are you insane? Shall I just rip out my beating heart while I'm at it!
And finally, what exterior decorations would you have on your car?
Cute stickers, like those Hawaiian flowers...
Few deer, some turkey, a cat or two, and Texas.
Some witty little plastic figure holding onto the radio antennae, and a whale-tail the size of Rhode Island.
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