Are you a liberal or a conservative?

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time limit:t < 10 min - Developed by: John - Developed on: - 7.567 taken

Two great strains of thought tend to dominate American politics today.

Liberalism, the product of countless Enlightenment thinkers from Locke to Jefferson to Bakunin, takes many forms, but all center around two main themes: human liberty, and its place in balancing out the private and public spheres of economics and politics (see Daniel Bell's "The Cultural Contradictions of Capitalism," which addresses this question beautifully).

Conservatism, championed by Edmund Burke and working under the influence of Hobbes, Mill, and others, attempts to answer these questions with the idea that things should stay as they are, or at least, advance extremely slowly. Less concerned with demonstrable results and public discourse, conservatives tend to favor regression and an idolization of a stagnant, stable society.

In 2006 America, however, things are a little different. The terms "liberal" and "conservative" have lost their true places in public discourse. To that end, this test exists in the time-frame of 2006: I use these terms as those of our generation understand them, instead of their original meanings. "Liberals" are associated with the leftmost wing of politics, "conservatives" with the rightmost. I'm sure you more or less understand things as they are now anyway.

  • 1
    Science is:
    I don't know; I've been taught that both sides are equally valid.
    A collection of popular opinions that requires no evidence, only faith in unqualified politicians who tell you how to misread the 15th translation of a book written at the end of the Iron Age. In fact, it is equally valid to say "the sky is blue" as to say "there's a 1500x1500-mile kingdom made of gold in the sky, you just can't see it."
    Conjecture that converges on truth when supported by factual evidence.
  • 2
    Judge all of the following statements as "true" or "false":

    Dead people can’t actively reproduce;

    you look slightly different from your parents;

    your body basically wants you to eat, sleep, and do the nasty.
    I don't know - I have been told that both are equally worthy of public debate, so I'm not allowed to judge each of them reasonably for myself.
    All are False - I don't believe in evolution.
    All are True - I believe in evolution.
  • 3
    When George W. Bush declared (and I quote), "God told me to strike at Al Qaida, and I did. God told me to invade Iraq, and I did," this is:
    Secular liberalism attacking hardworking Americans.
    Beats me. He's allowed to believe whatever he wants, no matter how many lies and murders it directly causes, right?
  • 4
    A blastocyte is a single embryonic stem cell. It has the potential to become an arm, a leg, a defense against cancer, a reparative device against Alzheimer’s, regeneration for a diabetic liver, sperm for the impotent, and regenerative retinal tissue for the blind. It can be examined for cures to all of the above mentioned diseases, as well as everything affecting the human immune system from AIDS to the common cold. If left inside a woman for three trimesters, it will also become a person. This cell should be:
    My school is afraid to teach me things like this because of the "controversy" around facts.
    A living human being. With one cell. And no consciousness, memory, nor any traits of a human being. In fact, every time George Bush itches his nose on TV, he's killing hundreds of such babies.
    Considered a part of a human being (which it is for 9 months), but only a part: if the owner of this cell wants to use it to save lives, he or she may.
  • 5
    A young girl is raped by her father and filled with many such blastocytes. Though she has enough body mass to support the pregnancy, she does not have enough to survive the birth; nor does the baby. This girl should:
    Depends on what my Congressman thinks.
    Make her peace with God, and drown in her own blood crying for help in nine months.
    Have the small lump of cells, which were forced into her, removed.
  • 6
    Being "pro-life" means:
    Being in favor of a quantifiably healthy, humane existence.
    I allow anyone to believe anything.
    Supporting war (especially when based on false pretenses), murder of the young and the mentally retarded, ritualistic slaughter of those of different faiths, sexual orientations, and political persuasions, and buying up military-grade assault weapons by the crate.
  • 7
    religion that demands the stoning to death of infants; and the death penalty for saying "oh my God," for converting away from Christianity, for loving someone of the same gender, for providing medical care to women, for disobedience among children, for scientific speculation in general; and for believing anything other than the idea that there's a big, invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do and will sentence you to an eternity in a lake of fire unless you pay a Christian group to steal your rights is:
    Essential to our survival: War is peace, hatred is love, death is life, ignorance is wisdom. These are the fundamental tenates of this faith, and they have served us well ever since they were translated 15 times away from their original adjective-less language, written by a collection of post-Zoarastrian Gnostics in the late Iron Age; if it was good enough for 5,000BC when rocks seemed like a tasty meal, they're good enough for 2006.
    Despite common sense and ethically obvious problems, I'm not going to make a judgment either way.
    Dangerous when taken literally as a form of fundamentalism; promotes fear, paranoia, and baseless hatred amongst otherwise intelligent people; and is specifically commanded to stay away from politics by the Deistic founders of this nation. Such a religion should be taken in spiritual moderation ONLY.
  • 8
    George instigated the murder of 133,000 brown people because he and his friends wanted some black tar. He covered up scientific facts that he did not like, committing the moral equivalent of shooting the first man who proclaimed, "2+2=4." He lied to 300 million people who he swore to protect, and caused the deaths of 3,000 of them, most of them Christians. At the same time, he laughs, jokes, and giggles with his fat, rich friends, delightedly kicking his heels in the blood building up around them. He is:
    A sociopath.
    Doing what he wants, and therefore I can't question him.
    A good Christian.
  • 9
    Marriage is defined by:
    I will not judge this personal conception.
    The fact that its' the only thing keeping civilization together; in addition, marriage itself is only held together by hating people who love each other, especially if they're born differently from you.
  • 10
    Bill nails an intern, joining the ranks of 32% of Americans by being infidelitous; he also does more for the poor than any President since FDR. George commits all of the things mentioned in question 12, plus intentionally pulling the foundation out from underneath his nation's poor people. Who is ethically superior?
    Ethics are bad, because they make you decide things.
  • 11
    When there's a financial crisis that threatens the middle class, and therefore new enterprises, economic stability, and the next generation of financial managers, the President should:
    Use the Treasury to stimulate aggregate demand while fighting the crisis with low-scale solutions.
    Make corporations less responsible to the people they effect, spend more on bribes and funding religious groups, eliminate the social programs that help end crises, and cut education, so that there will be no one in ten years who would dare attempt solution A.
    Do whatever he wants.
  • 12
    In 2000, Kathryn Harris was both a member of the Florida State Supreme Court who decided the verdict on the "hanging chads," and the head of the Bush election campaign in the same state. This is an example of:
    Liberal media bias.
    Whatever, man.
  • 13
    There is a hole in the atmosphere that is causing desert-like stratospheric conditions in a large, observable swath around the globe that includes the middle stretch of the United States. This is an example of:
    Liberal media bias.
    I'm waiting for a little more evidence; we only have 2,000 years of weather records, demonstrable conjecture by thousands of leading scientists, logical conclusions of precise data dating back to the '70's, and observable effects on today's environment.
  • 14
    In your opinion, it is the responsibility of the media to report:
    Factual, evidence-based truth.
    I don't watch/read news; nobody can escape inserting some small level of bias on a psychological level, and so I will deny myself information in all of its forms.
    Whatever the government bullies them into saying, especially if it involves covering up lies and treason.
  • 15
    A better war-time political party would be:
    One led by numerous military experts, including a decorated Vietnam Veteran who later entered numerous prestigious student diplomatic groups to directly explain the frustration of the average American with the military's shortsightedness in the face of simple solutions. Like the Democrats.
    A cesspool of corruption led by a former male cheerleader who dodged the draft, and joined the national guard only to go AWOL (resulting in a discharge) after getting citations for dancing naked on a barstool and skipping two medical exams to help a Republican election campaign in Alabama that failed. Like the Republicans.
    Whoever my friends are voting for, I guess.

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