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Will The Vatican Canonize You As A Saint?
10 Questions - Developed by:
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The Congregation for the Causes of Saints in The Vatican wants to know if you have what it takes to proceed from veneration to beatification and finally Sainthood.
During morning prayers and meditation you regularly arrive at a silence in which words lose their power and concepts escape your grasp. You are comfortable in this space and familiar with it. One day, into the silence steps a beautiful creature of shifting form. It begins to dance seductively for you. You ...
... have detached yourself from the love of temporal, created things, thus when the dance begins you focus your inner gaze instead on the love of Christ, which is the true goal of inner prayer.
... end the meditation.
... delight in watching the dance for a few moments before undoing your pants and beginning to masturbate.
Have you ever performed a miraculous act such as a healing, walking on water, or being unharmed after a poisonous snake bite?
Not that I am aware of.
Which statement adheres most faithfully to your personal philosophy?
"Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."
"Balance, order, rhythm, harmony."
"The senses resonate with the divine order of the cosmos. Awareness begins in the senses and is derailed by concepts or ideas."
How do you like your drink?
"Be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit" - Ephesians 5:18
I carry a hipflask of Vin Mariani, like Pope Leo XIII
All things in moderation
Having been recently elected Pope by the College of Cardinals you host your first event in the papal palace. Which of the following Vatican fêtes will be used as inspiration:
"The banquet of Chestnuts"/"Joust of The Whores" On October 31, 1501, Cesare Borgia arranged a banquet in his chambers in the Vatican with "fifty honest prostitutes", called courtesans, who danced after dinner with the attendants and others who were present, at first in their garments, then naked. After dinner the candelabra with the burning candles were taken from the tables and placed on the floor, and chestnuts were strewn around, which the naked courtesans picked up, creeping on hands and knees between the chandeliers, while the Pope, Cesare, and his sister Lucretia looked on. Finally, prizes were announced for those who could perform the act most often with the courtesans, such as tunics of silk, shoes, barrets, and other things.
On April 2, 2016 Pope Francis hosted a public prayer vigil seeking divine mercy. There was a lot of praying in silence, followed by a sermon, and then everyone went home to sleep.
The First Vatican Council
You have recently become a religious superior in Montreal. A Papal command enjoins US and Canadian religious superiors to send 10% of their priests and nuns for missionary work in Central and South America. How do you react?
Having developed a deep skepticism of liberal pity or conservative imperiousness that motivates the rising tide of global "industrial development," you view missionaries as a form of industrial hegemony and, as such, an act of "war on subsistence." In open rebellion against Papal authority you devote 10% of your resources to developing a school that that will A)document the participation of the Vatican in "modern development" of the so-called Third World, and B) teach missionaries dispatched by the Church not to impose their own cultural values.
You send 15%
Your first act as Pope would be:
Cracking down on child abuse and on corporate and mafia corruption within Vatican City
Re-familiarizing yourself with the conclusions of The Second Vatican Council
A luxurious bath in a gold tub in the middle of St. Peter's basilica, serenaded by the Vienna Boys choir, drinking (and spilling) the world's most expensive bottle of red wine.
Your second act as Pope would be:
Embarking on an extended fast to pray for the European refugee crisis.
Farting so hard in The Sistine Chapel that you leave some streaks on the back of your pope-gown
Taking a nap.
How do you feel about martyrdom?
It is my right to sacrifice myself if I so choose
Sacrificing myself for some abstraction seems absurd to me
If I'm dead how am I gonna watch TV?
An angel appears to you and dictates a new revelation from God. You are elated, and certain that the revelation is genuine, but when you post it on your blog and facebook page it receives almost no attention other than your uncle Gord ridiculing you a little bit. How do you react?
You approach a publishing house, and if that fails you self-publish it and distribute the copies by hand if necessary.
Accept that it will gain acceptance within the church in God's chosen time.
Unfriend Uncle Gord.
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