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How much of a DICK are you?
A quiz for the male
You meet a girl when you are both very trashed. What do you make of her ecstatic burbling, over-friendly behaviours and her putting her number into your phone?
Nothing. The drugs and minimal lighting have obviously blinded her to your non-existent looks and ugly personality. You play along but don't think it'll go anywhere.
It has you slightly confused. Is she really interested in your Neanderthal grumblings or just too caned to know what's going on?
Assume she is keen as mustard for your colourless complexion and Down's Syndrome conversation skills, and giver her a call as soon as you've both come down and recovered a few days later.
How soon do you consider someone you have been going out with as your 'girlfriend'?
As soon as the first date is over. If she hasn't been put off by your drug-induced comatose condition and non-existent social skills, then she must be 'the one'.
Not until you've celebrated your first-year anniversary together.
When you've been together long enough to establish you're definitely an item. It's a mutual thing - she'd have to consider you her boyfriend as well.
It's your girlfriend's birthday. You haven't been together that long, but long enough for it to be unavoidable. How do you tackle the situation?
Call her and make plans to do something. You've also got her a CD voucher as you weren't too sure what else to get.
Sleep through the day (as you do most others) then pretend you 'forgot' and woke up too late to call or remember.
You've had the whole thing planned for a while now - you really went to town.
Your girlfriend and her raucous sister pop over to visit you (ok, break in through the back door) one afternoon. You are still rotting in bed after a heavy night out and don't really want to see them. What do you do?
Pull the bolt on your bedroom door and pretend not to be home, despite the fact that your door only locks from the inside and the cap that is normally glued to your head is lying on the floor.
Get up and be polite, but let your girlfriend know you're not in the mood to handle her rowdy sister.
Get up and offer them smokes and drinks. You really lay out the red carpet, just cos she made the effort (even if her sis is there with her).
What food describes you best (looks/personality/charm)?
Chilli - hot and noticeable.
Apple - healthy and well-balanced.
Bread or raw potato - pale, boring and limp.
On a scale of 1 (ugliest) to 10 (hottest), how would you rate yourself?
1: you're the kind of bloke that walks into a room and nobody looks up from scratching their itchy bums at.
About a 5: you're about average. You get chicks, but you're no great shakes.
Definitely up there with a 10: braces haven't looked this good since high school.
You get a chocolate 'bikie' bunny for Easter from your mum. What do you do with it?
Scoof it down straight away. You're not gonna waste it but no-one's gonna see it either.
You put it on your bedroom mantlepiece along with all your other 'display' stuff. You also start eating it carefully in pieces...but it looks kinda cool.
Chuck it. Easter's for babies and you'd die if any of your mates saw it.
Your new girlfriend is over your house for the first time. How do you act for the occasion?
Make an effort. You evacuate your didgy mates, have a shave and make sure there's some decent food in the fridge.
You don't have any girls over your house. You don't know any.
Blow her away with your 'hospitality' by choking down cone after cone whilst snorting with laughter at the 'real-life' cop video you left blaring in the background, making 'in-jokes' with your mates and blowing ciggie smoke in her general direction. You're too 'cool' to act human.
You are lactose-intolerant. When out with your new girl to eat, how do you cope with this disfigurement?
Steer clear of any foods that look remotely dairy. You don't want any unwanted reactions that might put her off.
Order lactose-free foods.
Think 'Sod it' and go to town ordering whatever you set your eyes on, then make the poor girl put up with your feeble complaints that you 'feel crook'.
After a lifetime drought, you finally manage to get some action with your chick. What comes out of your mouth in the moments of passion?
Not much. You're fairly quiet and prefer to concentrate on technique rather than talk.
You tell her what you think she would like to hear - how beautiful she is, how much you like her, etc.
Ask her why she always wears a bra that is too big for her.
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