PTSD

Thank you for making time to read♥.

My name is Sofia, I am now 14 and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. And for all of you that don't know what that is- it's a living nightmare. It's not knowing if you're alive, not knowing if you're awake, not knowing what's wrong or right and having a disease control your mind.
For me, this started about 10 years old. I'm not gonna bore (or upset) you with details- but I went on social media and a guy added me. We chatted back and forth, I was happy to find someone cool, and a bit older than me (21). But out of the blue, he sent me a picture showing porn and I was petrified.
He never forced me to do anything. I blocked him a day after the incident since I could barely breath when he started to ask me to send pictures of myself. This is sort of making me feel ashamed right now, I just wasn't that smart to realize how many people fall for these things. It ruins you.
This was at the back of my mind for three years and it made me so excited for some reason. I had such a twisted sight on sex after that incident. The feeling I had when that happened is what I am gonna bare for the rest of my life.
This repeated itself so many times; meeting a guy, having a weird relationship that's nothing but sexual, feeling forced to take off my clothes in front of men and having a voice screaming inside of me:
"You're just a fat, ugly wh*re. It's all you're good for. You deserve to be r*ped. Just kill yourself already!"
The night was worst, I didn't want to sleep. Of course, I didn't want to sleep. Nightmares all the time, waking up sweaty and drowning in the burning sensation of alcohol at the back of my throat. So I stayed awake as long as I could, waiting for the sun. But the sun was lonely too and not yellow anymore. Just grey.
I've tried to kill myself- kind of. I was too drunk to remember, but the self-loathing thoughts still come to my mind from those typical nights.
This is all I'm gonna say. I don't want ANYONE to do what I did- and I'm NOT gonna give anyone ideas. But I will say this, I feel so much better today. People told me that it's going to get better- and that's a lie. It doesn't get better with time but with hard work and effort. You want to give up and die? That's going to happen. Or you fight and live another day. I've fought, and I'm still alive thanks to ME. Trust yourself, not the disease.

Stay strong♥