Poetry From My Book

This Loneliness (1/29/2019)
Partially inspired by a particular visit to someone's house. The date is not perfectly accurate.

Some are ahead
Some are behind
I'm in the middle
It's driving me out of my mind

I have a close friend
But we don't talk enough
I have a close sister
Explaining her and this, it's tough

I'd rather have a blister
Or two
Than this loneliness
Not mope-eyness

Hard to put to words...
Chirping are the birds
To one another
As far as any can tell, they're friendly
Not lonely

I long for the companionship that I see
But... is someone telling me that it can't be?
I sure hope not
I've seen friends a lot

I've read about them, I've watched them in movies and shows
I'd rather a broken toe (or toes!)
Than this loneliness
I don't have good conversations often

Maybe one day I'll meet someone
What then?
Would they see inside?
Would they take the time?

What if we move?
Could anyone but God see my loneliness?
What will He answer me with?
How much longer will I have to live
With this loneliness?


P.S. we only moved to a different part of the city (and the words directly underneath the title are not part of the poetry)

Nervousness 2/25/2019
The three lines at the bottom are not part of the poem, but notes I added later on.

There's a girl I've decided to say "how are you?"
To
And I don't know if she thinks
I forget or ignore her existence
Or if she thinks of me at all
Whether or not she'll say anything
Being nervous is natural, after all
It's only three little words
Why are they so difficult?
If only I could be like the birds
Chirping and twittering and humming
Without any fears at all--
A natural cadence of sounds in the morning
That is not a bit boring
We all have our nervous moments
Where we're scared of this or that or that
And this'll be
One of them, I'm sure because
I'm already nervous
But I'm doing it on purpose
Maybe in a day or so I'll write
About what she said when I asked
"How are you?"
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
I'm still nervous
But I can

man, I'm going to have to wait another week
Or month or two
-or never?-
Yep. Never

All You Ever See 10/12/19

Some days it seems
All they ever see
Isn't me, inside, my dreams
Someone who needs help
Someone who can't help it
If I did yelp
I doubt much surprise
At all
Would arise
See me for who I am
See past neurons* and brain things*
Did I ever want this? No Ma'am!
Just you wait
Just you wake up
You're already late
But as has been said by many
Better late than never

It seems all you ever see
Someone to be carried
Someone who needs help
Just the thing I'm tired of
See me, inside, see who I really am
I know you love
I do too
Do you see more of me
Than I think you do?
Is it all
You ever see
Did I build a wall?
I don't know
You tell me
And we'll put an end to this show!

I'm not even 100% sure what neurons are

Nothing To Be 12/3/19

There is nothing to be but okay
Of course I'm disappointed, who wouldn't be?
There is nothing I can do or say
So of course I am okay

I am very disappointed
Maybe bitter a bit for it
But it's not like I'm seeing red
Oh, I am disappointed

Nothing to do for it
It cannot be helped
It's not like I'm being bit
Oh, nothing to do for it

What can I say?
I know, but she doesn't
There is nothing to be but okay
Oh, what can I say?

There is nothing to be but okay.

Know 1/29/20

I want to know
Where do I belong?
An ocean of faces
And I've done so much secret wrong
Can I ever be free?
So many here
I see them, they see me
But we're not known to each other
Why does it mind blank?
I could think "if only it were
Different than it is"
I don't know what I do!

Silence 2/21/20
I actually wrote the 2 in 21 upside down somehow.

So many silent years
With so many silent years
Words, sounds, surround me
But I'm the one who never hears

I'm in a quiet place
The quietest space
In slow motion
Completing any race

Nothing is real
Everything is surreal
I'm in a maze
Trying to heal

If 2/22/20
I'm just saying.

If it is my dream
It will never come true
Good is what my life does teem
With. Maybe I
Need be humbled
Within me is a great big sigh
I know I need it not
But could a single dreamy thought
Come true?
There is so much longing
I know God always knew
I suppose it's not good for me?

Comment if you've felt like this before!

Hear Me Cry 2/25/20

Hear me cry
Out into the night
Blind by the lack of light
A stranger to simplicity

Hear me shout
Thrown to the day
Dark thoughts hardly kept at bay
Creeping through my mind

Hear my thoughts
Strange to you, stranger to me
I'm missing something I need to see
But it's buried, long gone

Please hear me
Because I'm drowning
And I'm thinking, but still sinking
So please hear me