Identity

Identity

"That's you," a voice whispers in my head
As I stare at the flag
My friend is nonchalant beside me
Scrolling past and through

I push the thoughts away and
Go back to having fun
Yet I feel as if it describes me;
Let's me be... me.
But I push these thoughts away,
For it would be silly
But maybe I could say that I'm they/them
Instead of she.
But would that be someone else?
Or really, truly me?

But I cannot, for the guilt that would weigh
Me down like a boulder
10 hundred pounds
Upon my shoulders

To identify with something besides
She and her, I'd probably cry
The zealous feeling of this phase comes to mind
And I push these feelings away
Hoping dearly, they die

Yet these whimpers bubble in my head
Whenever I dare to slip on a dress
I want to rip it off but I don't
In fear, I'll turn into the thing
That voice in my head keeps telling me I should be

Oh, I would cut my hair short
I would wipe off my makeup
I would date other girls
But I'm not like that.

That's not me
For I am me
But that could not be.

The voice keeps persevering
Telling me to care for my wellbeing
Take up these urges
Though they sound so appealing.
Is this me?
Am I wrong?
Could I be something
I think that I'm not?
What if I'm living
In the wrong body
And when they lay me to rest
They might discover
The thoughts that kept bubbling
Up in my head
Or the stupid small voice
Telling me I'm not dead.

Yet.

The pestering scratch in the back of my mind
I hate it but I love it
And I don't know why.
If I just experimented-
Just a social test.
Would I be comfortable?
With him and they?

I feel all alone
Surrounded by people
But I always thought
Everyone felt
The same way as me
With all this dysphoria
I didn't even think
That I was by myself.
Yet the world seems so big now,
And my heart is so small.

Would it really be fair?
To bend everyone around?
To use the correct pronoun?

I tried, I tried,
To keep it bottled in
But it all gushed out
Sitting there with him
I trusted it, his words
They and them made me comfy
Understanding this thing in the world
Made me angry.
If I can't understand
Then I refuse
But now I know;


My heart matters more
And so does yours.










Thanks! I just wrote this and shared it with a couple of other people who liked it (and asked if I was okay lol) but I am okay, honestly, and I wished I could help other people be more okay with using the pronouns that make themselves more comfortable. Just remember, it doesn't matter what you were assigned at birth, what your religion is, what your parents want- you can identify with anything you want.:)
My heart matters more,
And so does yours.