The Angry Writer Purity Test

Killed off a character without hope of resurrection?

Killed off a good character without hope of resurrection just to make a point?

Written an explicit sex scene for no other reason than to get yourself off?

Written an explicit sex scene (based on a real-life fantasy) for no reason except to get yourself off?

Stolen a fictional character from your real life?

Stolen a fictional character from your real life and then made the character completely evil?

Killed off a character because it made you laugh?

Created a racist, sexist or homophobic character?

Written explicit scenes of violence, abuse, or gore just because it was there, lurking in your disturbed mind?

Made your friends or relatives scream because of the horror you describe in writing?

Pissed off random people on the internet because of your writing?

Wrote fanfiction of a sexual nature stealing copyrighted characters that were NOT yours to take?

Ever tried to sympathize with a villain that you know, ahem you KNOW, is just pure evil?

Ever heard a ridiculous conspiracy theory on the internet and then figured, "Wow that would be a great story!" and then created this atrocity for readers for no other reason than you found it interesting?

Written a novel without first running it by a sensitivity reader?

Ever written anything without getting your local writer's group to approve it?

Ever been paid to write something you disagree with religiously, politically, or philosophically just because you're a "good writer" and can deceive people?

Ever written a sex scene involving fictional characters that were NOT your spouse? And done so knowing you did not have consent to write such acts?

Ever written a disturbing story and then listened to dark music, thereby making the story even worse than before?

Ever written a disturbing story and then listened to happy feel good music, written by happy people for happy people, and thereby making your sicko story even sicker than before?

Ever written a lampoon of a character just to spite someone who didn't like you?

Ever gaslighted an audience by writing a hero only to reveal at the end they were the villain or an anti-hero?

Ever written dark or offensive content under the guise that it was a metaphor or some social satire that people didn't understand?

Ever been laughed at, social shamed, or blocked because of your offensive story and your lame explanations trying to explain why it wasn't offensive?

Ever written your nonconsenting pet into your story just because it amused you?

Written a sex scene that didn't have direct relevance to the overall plot and or character - just to remind everyone that people everywhere are constantly having sex, as if that's a big revelation or something?

Gone back and reread stuff you wrote from 20 years ago and wasted hours of your day?

Ever written over one page of a wordy denouement just to rub it in, just to make it hurt, just to remind your audience you're a fucking writer and you can do that?

Ever got so sick of life you just became your fictional character instead of the real life you?

Ever got so sick of life you just became your evil villain instead of the real life you?

Ever written a torture scene just to show the audience how evil your antagonist is - when we already they knew were evil and did NOT need to see all that extra gore?

Ever self-published and talked about your book on social media, assuming everyone is going like "Ohhhhh that is so cool!"

Ever self-published and talked about your book in hopes of getting laid?

Ever been traditionally published and bragged about your book to get laid - and still failed?

Ever had all your friends say "Oh cool I can't wait to read your book" but then they never read your book? And then you post more spam about your book just to guilt those motherfuckers?

Ever written a character obviously based on you, just so you could be worshiped, loved, sexed, or treated with respect by a bunch of fictitious nobodies?

Ever heard of Gary Kadet?

Ever heard of Blipperton or Miss Snark?

Ever wrote a scene involving a fictional character yelling at you, telling you what a piece of shit you are for controlling their life all the time?

Glorified drug use, alcohol abuse, psychedelics, or other strange substances just so the character could say they LIVED?

Ever depicted evil behavior without telling the reader why it's wrong and what we should all learn from this story.

Accidentally read a novel, thinking it was by some hot crush of yours, only to realize it was just by some dude on Twitter you hardly know?

Had to creatively explain to your parents or family what your awful, horrible, vile book is really about?

Triggered PTSD in readers just because you're writing some big dramatic scene?

Received a bad review from a reader, who obviously did not get the "layers" of your evil book?

Posted an argument against a reader who left a bad review for your book, calling that person a moron and an imbecile and some kind of racist or something.

Gotten blocked by a friend because of your book's content?

Gotten blocked by a friend because of your stupid social media posts which invalidate your mostly coherent book?

Created meme(s) based on you or your book?

Yelled at the #WritingCommunity about your characters, reminding everyone that your characters could kick all of their characters' asses in a street fight.

Described a fictional character's body in shameless, gratuitous detail, when in fact everyone knows what the naked human body looks like, Geeeez.

Described a penis in a novel for ANY reason whatsoever (as if you're fooling anyone)?

Made any allusions to female genitalia which is really just you going mad with power, isn't it?

Asked for fanart based on your characters?

Paid someone for fanart based on your characters?

Made some weird allusion on social media to "Rule 34" involving your fanart characters - which absolutely no one is looking for except you.

Written a world or a story so freakin DARK that your editor complains?

Stalked your readers and reviewers on Goodreads to see what other shit they give Five Stars to?

Written a character obviously inspired by some other popular literary work? (Talking to you, all you Harry Potter wannabes)

Ever said, "I would never start a cult.......but I could if I wanted to, I mean I know how!" or worse yet, posted it publicly"?

Complained about Twitter's lack of an edit feature because despite the fact that you're a writer, you still can't fucking find typos?

Ever posted a self-indulgent tweet and then said, "This shit is too good to waste on Twitter" only to insert it awkwardly into your book, so that you can confuse your readers?

Ever written a 70,000+ novel for / inspired by a member of the preferred sex?

Ever written a 70,000+ novel for a member of the preferred sex - and yet they never even read it?

Ever written an Academy Awards ceremony just for your fictional characters (and had last year's "Best Actor" winner present this year's Best Actor award)?

Consume coffee, tea, beer, wine, spirits, cannabis products, or any other writing enhancement drugs that should be BANNED from competitive novel writing?

Written over a million words all within the same world?

Written over a million words all within the same book?

Described any criminal or grotesque acts that would, in a chatroom setting, get you investigated by authorities?

Typed serial killer type questions into Google Search?

Gotten an "Are you OK?" message from Google, YouTube, Pinterest, Tumblr and or Twitter after your wacko searches?

Ever listened to some sad mawkish music just to get into the mood to write a sad scene - knowing full well this is like steroids in the writing world?

Asked a stupid question of the #WritingCommunity just because you wanted a bunch of likes and retweets?

Asked a stupid question of the #WritingCommunity just because you wanted a bunch of likes and retweets - and got NADA?

Sent a Direct Message to another writer in order to flirt with them?

Never received a Direct Message from another writer for flirting reasons because no one likes you?

Shared some stupid writing meme just to remind everyone you're a goddamn writer and you fucking relate to this meme?

Used alcoholic beverages to actually help you write a dry, commercial piece of copywriting as opposed to abstract creativity?

Actually typed out offensive swear words in a novel instead of just writing something respectful like, "So and so used foul language and offended their sensibilities."

Complained about your spouse all over social media just to get angry responses, likes, and retweets?

Gotten 100000s of followers by just posting dumb questions and retweeting popular stuff? (And how DO you sleep at night?)

Begged people to visit your YouTube channel because there, apparently, you're going to ask more dumb questions and repeat other things popular people said?

Taken a quiz to see what famous author you write like?

Taken a quiz to see what famous author you write like - but carefully used certain keywords that would predictably return your desired result - that you write like Rowling, Rice, Tolkien, whoever?

Been annoyed at a writing voice quiz that reveals you actually write like Hemingway?

Created a personality test that was obviously based on your book?

Joined a gang of other writers just so you can yell at another gang of writers all over social media?

Written a whole 1000+ word blog on one of your writing nemesis?

Created multiple sock puppet accounts after getting repeatedly banned?

Created a parody account just to mock your writing nemesis?

Live tweeted big events happening...you know, like the election or the quarantine (Let people know you actually lived through this!)?

Taken the time to remind everyone that the quarantine is just another day in your writing lifestyle - like we haven't heard that a million times already?

Do you currently have a stack of your own books just sitting around the house and don't fucking lie to me?

Updated the social media sites to let them know you're still writing/editing and reached a new milestone - and received at least three pity-fuck likes for it?

Asked for a beta reader to read your book and hurt the beta reader in the process, because your book is so vile?

Paid someone to edit your book because it's that dour and nihilistic and it's literally a work hazard for that poor editor?

Paid someone to edit your book because it's that dour and nihilistic - only to be told they need 200% more than they charge other people?

Joked about never writing porn or erotica because you secretly have - you just never want to admit it?

Yelled at everyone on social media about the rules to writing and that failure to follow aforementioned rules, means you are a bad writer?

Griped at all the other writers telling them to buzz off and let you write your own shit - and let other people write their own shit and stop spewing dogma - ONLY to write another list of rules that "Smart Writers" follow?